Right now

im at my moms office, listening to music and just hanging out.
This past week has been an emotional one if nothing else.

I've finally realized and even though i already know this but i don't need certain people in my life.
Its time i got rid of Jarrod i can't be his friend or anything else its to hard and its obvious he only wants some ass.

My best guy friend Josh pointed all of this out to me. Josh is a good guy to me. He has everything i would want in a guy. But he's my best friend and i don't want to ruin our friendship. but i love him. I think im just trying to use him as a rebound.

But yeah he told me to just forget Jarrod, but me being the person i am couldn't just leave it at that. I had to write the boy a message telling him how i felt. I've given him way to much power over me. To think that a couple months ago i wasn't even into him or thinking about him,

I think thats how i am though, i replace guys right away. i don't like to be alone. I don't want to say i need a guy but its easier to have one. But im growing and realizing that im going to be okay all by damn self. I just need a little time and my good friends.

So yeah since i was feeling really low, i called my ex and invited him over. I'll tell you about that later.

So, i found out

like 2 weeks ago, that the guy i had been hooking up with. From kissing to freaking down right having sex with and even going on dates too. Had a girlfriend. We'd been hooking up for almost 4 months. I know you're saying come on girl, you must have realized that something wasn't right. I did and i had asked him about it on more than one occasion, every time he would say no im single, or drea its complicated, or my favorite, it won't be like this forever.

Let me give you some background on this guy, I've dated him before. He was my first everything: my first kiss, my first love, they guy i lost my virginity too. We dated for almost 2 years. then broke up, it was to the point where we fought more then we were happy. It was over.

Fast forward three years, he's been dating this girl Jessica. I don't like her and neither does his family, although my dislike for her is more of a personal one. I mean come one she's dating my first love, and treating him like crapp. So deep down i know i should feel bad about being the other girl, but secretly im glad. thats something i could never admit to my friends or anyone else. But he told me they were over. did i believe him? No not really. did i care? No not really.

I didn't intend on falling for Jarrod again, but i did. I just wanted to have Cosme fun with a guy i love and trust. But lately its been screwed up. I just realize that he probably only wanted me for sex. And thats hard for me to deal with. But now they're back together, but he keeps calling me. I finally deleted him from my myspace.

But he just sent me a friend request. I know he has no idea why i deleted him, but some mush bs went down yesterday with him its not even funny.

What happened Yesterday:
Yesterday, he called me around noon and told me he was single, that him and jess had broken up, that she had picked another guy. And that he was through with her

he calls me again like around 7, and tells me that, he wants to take her back and that shes begging him, and that she really loves him not the other guy. But he doesn't think he can trust her and he wants my advice. So i give him some good advice, as a friend, not as a girl who's heart was just ripped out of her body. and he takes her back

so he calls me later, and thanks me for being there for him. and that he loves her and that everything is good. That was the last straw for me.

i start to ball my eyes out and my friend comes over to talk. i can't be his friend anymore. I'm to hurt, i fell used and i feel dumb. I'm so confused and hurt and don't know what to do.

what do you guys think?

So, i know its been a whilw since i last posted

but so much has happened.

I've learned more about myself than i ever wanted to.
Ive learned good, bad, and downright dirty.
I've decided I'm going to have a good summer, before i start my senior year.

And, who better to share it with than you readers.

i wish we had made 6 months

Babyboy,i love you so much, i really do.Your more than what i could have ever asked for in life and i couldn't have asked for more. Your the definition of perfection and if you could look through my eyes, thats exactly what you'd see. I think its so cute how you don't see the things you do to put a smile on my face. But the question is, how can you not? Everyone else can but how are you so blind? Although that may be unanswered, i know what you do and i love it.I love how you care so much, even though i don't see it sometimes.I love how you give up your time just to call me, when you could be doing something better.I love how you give up the time you can just to spend with me on the weekends, when you can be with your friends.I love how you never give up on me, even when its probably easier just to give up and walk away.I love how no matter how stubborn, ignorant, or just stupid i am, you still put up with me; even though it can get stressful sometimes.I love how you notice all the small things, even though i may hate it at the same time sometimes.I love how your smile is so contagious-it always has me smiling right back.I love how you make the cutest faces-ah so irresistible; defiantly deserves a kiss or two..or 4567549896427 =] I love when you hold me, if i had a wish that could be granted, i would wish i could spend the rest of forever in your arms. Please hold me as tight as you can, and never let me go..please never let me slip away.I love how you stole my heart-its fragile, so please don't break it..keep it safe; you'll have it for a while.I love how you love me and i love how i love you but better yet, i love how I'm so in love with you, like head over heels in love. I know i may not be "Mrs. Perfect" and i know i never will be, but i will try my absolute best to fill her shoes.6 months, thank you for still being here. Forever is a long time and we still got a long journey to go so kick back, and enjoy the ride baby.Happy 6 months babyboyI LOVE YOU!<3

wow, how quickly things change

i thought i loved him, and that he loved me but boy was i wrong. He doesn t love me , he hurts me. You would think that if you truly loved someone you wouldnt want them to feel pain, but no he doesnt care. H emessages girls on myspace and tries to hook up with girls all the time. And he, he must think im oblivious to everything he does, but im not i realize it all.
I am not gonna to stand by and let him play me like that, im threw forever

i can honestly say

my life rules

my so happy right now, more than ive ever been.

and not just because of the boyfriend, but because my friends are geunuine and true, I have 5 amazing bestfriends. I love my man. My mom and i are getting along. Its honestly all good!!!!!

today

is our one month anniversary.

here is a note i wrote him on myspace and his reply:

HIM----------------- Original Message -------------From: Im Finally Fuckin PeacefuL
Date: Dec 3, 2007 4:53 PM
after readin tht baby i really feel like im loved not that i havent been i just feel it more im happy that i met u i love u more than u kno and if i had the chance 2 marry u now i would in a heart beat i kno it early and i ant tryin 2 move fast but im sure that when i look at u i see my futre wife

ME ----------------- Original Message -----------------From: DRE
Date: Dec 3, 2007 10:51 AM
Hey baby,
You asked me to write you a letter instead of telling you out loud. Which I guess makes since, because people tend to reveal more in a letter than in person. Plus i’ve always been a good writer so yeah.I guess ill start from the beginning.
I am extremely happy with you and the way our relationship is going. You make me so happy, happier than i’ve been a long time. You’re my best friend, I tell you everything, though there are probably some things you wish I would keep to myself. But I guess what I’m saying with that subject is that you’re more than just my boyfriend; you’re my best friend too. And if we were to break up id be losing one of the best friends i’ve ever had. I trust you more than I trust people i’ve known my whole life. You’re the one I know will be there for me, if I needed you. You’re the one I would call in at 3 in the morning because im feeling down and I know that you would be tired, but you would still listen. I love you, and i know you love me, and I know it may not seem like it but I do realize how hard you try to make me happy. I understand that you genuinely don’t like to tell me no.
I love you more than i’ve ever loved anyone before in my entire life. I love you with not just my heart, but my soul, body and everything in between. It so scary how much I do love you and how much faith and trust I have in you. Im so afraid of getting my heart broken, that im becoming paranoid, not because of you or anything you’ve done but because my mind just doesn’t believe that something so good could be happening. Im scared, and I guess it started recently, in a way it’s a good thing, it shows how much I care about you, and that I realize how much I do care. I know that you try to reassure me and I’d like to think of myself as one of those girls that gives the benefit of the doubt. Like this morning I am sorry I even felt the need to call you and ask you if you went to the party. But im looking for something to be wrong so that I can be like “yes im not paranoid”. I could tell that you were aggravated with the situation, and probably upset at me, at the fact that I would believe that. I don’t know why im listening to this stupid girl, when I should just have faith in you. But again im sorry.
When im with you, I feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. The way you look at me brings tingles all over my body, its unreal. When we kiss and do other things Its really nice. I like it. I am finally ready to truly make love with you, not just have sex. I want to be with you like that. Im ready to be with you like that. Not just sex but more. I hope you feel the same way but I don’t know and that’s another thing that freaks me out, I don’t know how you feel about me or what you’re thinking about me, or really what’s going on in you’re head, and that really scares me. But I have faith in you and our relationship, and as long as I do, nothing or no one, including me can break us up. I love you, just doesn’t even feel like enough anymore. I wish there were more words to describe it.

So in other words,
I love you
Drea